3/3/12

Dear Baby Anna,

link up with Alana if you want to write to your former self, too.

 

Dear Younger self,

You will spend so much time trying to fit the mold of things you’re not. You will chase after boys who have the worst intentions, and one will hurt you worse than you could possibly imagine. You’ll get close to the edge for awhile, but then one day you wake up and start soaring over the pain. Because you’re stronger than you realize. You will stay with a dumb boy for two years that hurts you and isolates you. Your mother will hate him and you’ll pretend you don’t know why. Then one day he’ll push you to your limit for the last time and you’ll run away from him.

You will try so hard to please your parents and make them proud. Your parents will divorce and you’ll find yourself having to make choices between them. You’ll be torn because you love them both, and because you don’t want to listen to the drama. Eventually you WILL make a choice, but it will be based on a new family member. It will rip your heart out, and you’ll feel like you’re losing the parent you couldn’t choose. But know that you haven’t, he’s still there, just distanced because of the power the new family member has.

You will go through many friends every time you move. You’ll change who you are, and try to figure out who you are. Stop. Those girls aren’t really your friends, and will turn on you as soon as you really need them, because it’s too hard for them. They’ll talk about you, terrorize you, and bully you. You’ll fall apart time and time again, and go back every time they try to reel you back in because you’re craving acceptance so bad. Don’t let them get you down. Junior year you’ll find the two girls who let you be exactly who you wanted to be the whole time, and who offer you unconditional love. The friendships won’t be easy, but you’ll come back into each other’s lives over and over, picking up without missing a beat.

College will come and you’ll be accepted to every single school you apply to, except for your first choice, who will wait list you. You’ll write an essay about how important education is to you, and be accepted a few weeks later. You will fall in love with your first choice school over and over again, even though you hate having to study and go to morning classes.

At some point, you stop being such a doormat. You realize that spending your whole life letting everyone else decide for you is boring, and you’ll start finding your voice. You have to scream sometimes to be heard, but you do it. You stop letting your anxiety get the best of you, and realize how to handle it so that you can stay calm most of the time. You will fall in love hard and fast, but stay steady with it. You’ll learn that when you’re not 100% happy, it’s okay to walk and find that one hundred percent happiness. You’ll learn that family and friends will always be there for you, and in turn you’ll become known as someone who is fiercely loyal and always there for those you care about.

Stop taking your relationship with your mom for granted. She will ALWAYS have your back no matter what you do, even when you almost get yourself killed after lying to her. She loves you so much, and so fiercely. Soon, she’ll become the most important person in your life and you’ll become equally as protective to her. When she starts dating again, guys will jokingly call you “The Warden” because you keep such a watchful eye on her dating life and the men who try to steal her heart.

In middle school you’ll be awkward and lanky. You’ll have braces and sun-in hair, and some boys will call you ugly. In high school you’ll even out, start pageants and go back to modeling. Those same boys will want to talk to you, ignore them. The ones who chase personality and not looks will treat you so much better.

Don’t beat yourself up so much for your  heart, you love with the best intentions, and even though you’re so incredibly nurturing, there will be days that that nurture and care protects those you care about most from bad situations. Some days you’ll feel like a mama Hen protecting all her babies, but that’s just who you are. Never, ever make apologies for who you are.

Freshman year of college you’ll meet the girls who will eventually become your best friend, although it will take you breaking up with your high school sweetheart for y’all to really start bonding. They will be there for you through your rebound relationship that rocks your heart and shatter your self esteem for a few weeks, until he goes too far with his unkindness and you realize you are worth so much more. They will be there as you start to fall for the cute boy stuck living in another country for a year. They will be there to help you cram for tests, and to cheer you on. They will lead you to where you are right now, at 20 years old, with your heart slowly traveling away, your brain being stuffed full of knowledge and ready to take on the world. And you’ll look back at your teenage years and smile, because as bad as some of those memories are, they made you exactly who you are.

 

Always,

You, the older (but not much wiser) version

4 comments:

Brooke said...

I love this.

KnittedFox said...

OMGosh, I love this too!

Victoria said...

This was so beautifully and truthfully written!! I wrote something just like it the other day :) But it was just to myself one year ago. You have been through so much, it seems, and you will continue to grow as they years go by. I heart you Anna!! We need to do lunch, i tell you!


-V

Alana Christine said...

Oh how I love you...
you have been through so much and you have turned into such a strong woman. I'm so proud of you!