The College Diaries

We’re going to try a new thing where I put all my college musings into one series, because I’m trying really hard to not let college be my whole existence.

This is my problem, though. Sometimes college makes me feel really smart. Just being able to talk about studying, or being a psych major, everything. And then I take a midterm, and bomb it, or a class devours me and I just feel like an idiot. It’s just frustrating. I see people I graduated high school with excelling at everything, already graduating, and I’m struggling to feel competent in undergrad. Did I mention I chose a major that pretty much signs me for grad school and a phD if I want to make my degree useful?
I hate it, I hate this dead end feeling. Like I’m stuck in this spot of studying as hard as I can, hoping that it pushes me over the wall, but at the same time knowing that if it doesn’t, I’m stuck here. And it feels like if I don’t succeed in these four years, then I set the rest of my life up for not succeeding. Maybe that’s not rational, or realistic. But right now it’s what I’m surrounded with. Upper-level classes that drill into you that if you want to succeed in this field, or to even have a job, you’re going to go to grad school. That drill into you that straight A’s are your ticket into grad school. That make you realize that you’d have to resort to running yourself deeper into the ground than you already are. And you start to wonder if it’s worth it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful that I get to go to college. That I have parents who finance it for me, and are willing to financially support me as much as I need to be successful in school. I love college, I met my best friends in college. I love the experiences I’ve gotten from it. But the stress? Not so much lovey-dovey talk with that.
I just want a map that shows me how to get from point A (freshman year) to point B(graduation) without pulling all my hair out. Blinders so I stop comparing myself to my peers who I know are killing themselves over A’s with all-nighters and popping ADD medicine. And a nap.

In other news, I got a high B on my personality psych midterm so all hope isn’t lost just yet. This is more of a I stayed up all night studying for my worst subject, and still walked out of the midterm knowing I bombed the test/ everyone needed me to do stuff today and I just need a break then got the midterm grade back and actually DID completely bomb it  kind of rant. I’m done whining for a while.


Amy Powell said...

I like to tell college students that when you'e in college, just be in college. it's ok if it consumes your life, because it's temporary & such a short period of time.

but good luck with it all! college is something that I miss, but I never want to use my TI-83 again, lol

xoxo, Amy

I'm hosting my 1000th post party, love for you to come!

Dree said...

Oh man, I feel for you completely. I just graduated from my undergraduate law degree and I'm pursuing my Masters now. I had these moments so, so many times, where I thought I wouldn't make it. It's especially hard when you're the overachiever in high school, and all of a sudden you are submerged into a group of overachievers and you're trying to find a level playing field. But you have to stick through the bad to get to the good. Find a study pattern, that's my advice. And don't be afraid to look forward to stupid things at the end of the day - for me, I loved watching a TV show just before bed to unwind. I shamelessly looked forward to that hour every day!

You can do this!

Natasha said...

Your comment on my post made my day. I love finding people with similar interests (and Taylor Swift obsessions;).

Ugh I totally feel your pain with choosing a major that pretty much signs you up for grad school. I haven't applied at all because I have no idea what particular area I want to go into, so that's frustrating for sure! Good luck with classes, girl. Glad you found me so we can follow and get to know each other!